I came, I conquered, I confused everyone.

It's funny how things work out.
By now, I half expected to have been expected to have been (whoa- still with me?) going out with Alex and partying my bruised big butt off, while Christopher sat at home and waited for my cocaine habbit to die and dreaming of a life together someday.
Cut the bullshit out of the story and fast forward a few months.
Chris and I are officially back together and I think I'm happy. I feel happy. I feel secure. But in my life, I've learned that nothing is stationary. Nothing is real. Always sleep with one eye open...
We've got some issues to work through, but it's nothing that can't be just that- worked through.
I did spend another weekend with Alex last Friday. However, this time, the magic was shroom-induced. I will miss his lips and his beautiful kisses, but I am happier with Chris. I know it's the long haul with him and I have no inhibitions with the familiar. I feel like I can really be myself again.
And that makes me feel free, which is of utmost importance!
So much to do, so little time- so few financial options!!! ::grumble::

Not Suzy, too.

Please, God...
Dont let this be another Jenny scenerio.
Give me strength.
Give Suzy strength.
Give Mark strength.
We need you now! Please... fucking help us!

The Gap

It's been quite a while since I last posted anything new here. I thought I was making a new life for myself, but once again, I've ended up sitting at the edge of the universe... staring back in 20/20 hindsight, analyzing what I probably should have seen so clearly then.
But things have been good, for the most part, this past month or so.
I'm getting closer to someone I'm beginning to adore. However, the one that broke my heart is having his heart broken by me at current. I sometimes find myself ashamed at the merciless way I've been treating him, but at least everything is out in the open. He knows that I want to explore my options with the other one and insists he loves me enough to wait for me, meanwhile encouraging me to persue this new experience with afirmentioned interest.
In a sick way, he's allowing me to have two boyfriends- so to speak.
However, I hope he knows that once something official is established between the other and I, there wont be anymore sex and I wont be staying at his house as often. At least not until he gets another bed.
As for the new flame- no pun intended- I'm quite honestly surprised at how much we click. It's night and day between the old him and this new him. Last weekend, we had an amazing 3 day 2 night rendezvous, during which we ended up bonding like never before. He really seems like a different person now. I feel like I've liberated him, actually. That sounds really vain to say, but I can see a noticable influence already. I'm just what that boy needs right now, and vice versa.
It's not like this is forever, but I hope it lasts a significant amount of time.
If only I knew how to say, "I miss your lips," in spanish...

Not a good thing.

I think I could fall in love with someone I know I shouldn't fall in love with. Easily. It's becoming more and more clear to me that it's dangerous to be around this person alone, but at the same time- I dont know what's going on.
I see so much in this person. This is a person that could bring out so much in me, positively... as opposed to the negative that certain other people bring out in me.
I miss Christopher, but yet, I cant seem to stop thinking about the possibility of someone else. I mean, who finds their soul mate at 18 or 20?
I'm really attracted to my new friend Adam. And he's been dying to hang out since we met. Tonight, I finally did come to the house to chill and I have to admit-
I felt a little bit TOO at home with him all cuddled up next to me. Maybe it was the xanax or the alcohol or the cocaine, but I cant seem to feel over-excited about seeing him again tonight. And I know it's wrong, but I want to spend as much time with him while his girlfriend (of two years!!) is out of town. I love Camille, but he deserves so much better than her...
Kat's right. Boy, do I know how to pick a man!
Adam doesn't like Jacob either. I dont know WHAT I'm feeling anymore, let alone what's actually going on. All I know, is that if Adam were to initiate something with me, I'd have a hard time saying no to him.
I think he's falling out of love with her.

Ms. Lonely

Who would have thought having so many options would be so lonely.
I could have had Jacob last week. I'm praying he wasn't serious about only offering once... lol. Seriously.
Danny is as charming as he ever was before and I was happy to hang out with him tonight- even though it wasn't for very long.
I'm loving the single life, but I've never felt more alone. I'm terrified of loneliness and it's starting to get the best of me.
I miss Chris so much it's hard to breath. Especially on nights like this.
I wish I were a more clever flirt sometimes. I always fuck it up right before the hook up somehow. Stupid mouth.
I saw Justin and PJ from Caveat Emptor downtown tonight. It was like a blast from the past. It was good to see them again.
Although, I wish I could be as cheerful about the other blast from the past at Fat Cats. The band was playing a Creed song from the My Own Prison album and a dark Chevy Celebrity drove right by. My heart almost stopped. I miss Jenny.
I miss her so much. I miss everything. I miss sanity.

Jen said I'm enchanting and disarming to men last night...

You Are Independent Sexy You drive men crazy with your "playing hard to get act" Except, it's really not an act at all. You're a strong, sexy woman with her own life and interests. And makes men even more interested in you! What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

This was real, I swear.

i was logged into myspace, under my own account, when i saw that i had new messages. i checked them immediately and was surprised to find a comment had been posted from noah tanner. when i approved that comment, it went to the next new message automaticly. it was an email from jessika; another self-absorbed, useless small talk message. however, when i closed that email to go back to my inbox,i landed mysteriously in a place i have yet to rediscover! there were a few messages back and forth, indicated by all the re:s from a girl in a white bikini and skirt. Sweet Candy Whore, her name was. I knew that name. How did I know that name? And who is this familiar Rheinna, as well? Wait! This isn't my inbox. Those are Chris' females on his myspace friends list!What the fuck?So i sat there for about two full minutes, staring at this anomoly- not knowing what to do. The most recent message was subjected, "i really like your style" and I was dying to know what it said. Instead, though, because I was still so utterly lost in how I got to this mystery inbox in the first place, I decided to read one that hadn't yet been read- just to make sure it was Chris' after all. I clicked the link to a previously replied email and where did I end up? Right back in my own inbox, gazing blankly at Suzy and Jessika's member icons. Eagerly, I logged into Chris' account immediately to check and see if it looked the same. In fact, it did not. There were no such messages from either girl in his inbox. It's a mystery. It felt like a glitch in reality.
Powdered God.
I like the sound of that.